Metanoia

Trigger Warning: body image, eating disorder. 

Art by : Nysha Tan / IG 

Metanoia

(n.) the journey of changing one’s mind, heart, self, or way of life.

For all who are struggling to cope with their overflowing emotions. There is always a light at the end of the tunnel.

x x x


It was a tiring never-ending cycle.
eat
exercise
eject
An unhealthy tiring never-ending cycle.

At first, nobody noticed. Until her mouth went pale, her breath a stench vile as a swamp. Her fingers looked like they played around in dirt all day. Not until they saw the difference in her walk and her talk. The difference in her favourite pair of jeans hanging onto her like on a hanger. Not until they saw her body. Her fragile, frail and tiny body.

She’d drag her legs, murmur each word in a sentence, where she’d sometimes skip pretenses and apologise to start all over again. She knew what they were thinking, she knew what they were saying, but all she could do was,
eat
exercise
eject

One autumn evening, as she knelt on that cold white tiled floor with her head hanging low, and her breaths getting lighter. She reached up to eliminate her sin as a sudden darkness overwhelmed her.

In that darkness she saw herself, not her current self but, she saw her better self. She was speaking in a crowd of people. Confident and beautiful…


“I remember how I was when I entered places such as these; Places where you pay to eat. They came to ask what I wanted, but they never knew my body was obsolete, it was pulverulent. I remember seeing myself, the waif girl who couldn’t even hold her fork & knife properly. The girl that shakily took bites of the vegan items they offered. The girl that would smile sickly at her parents to make them happy that their child is going to be alright again.”

“However, that girl became a tenure to her own body & soul. She welcomed those big doors with opened arms, she allowed the aromas of each dish dance around her cilia. Her refreshing recovery had allowed her to be anew. To be content, to follow this girl to the sun. Don’t lose her spirit, fight for her.”


The darkness turns to light. She awakens, stands in front of her mirror to find the self she’s always dreaded. So she made a phone call, she’s going to seek for help. She’s going to get better, she’ll be fighting and she will win.


x x x


If you, a friend or family member are struggling with an ED (eating disorder), share & read the links below.

https://www.mentalhealth.org.uk/campaigns/mental-health-awareness-week


https://keltyeatingdisorders.ca/wp-content/uploads/2016/03/Bulimia-Self-Help-Manual.pdf


https://www.eatingdisorderhope.com/


https://www.eatingdisorderhope.com/recovery/self-help-tools-skills-tips


“It always seems impossible until it’s done.”Nelson Mandela

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